Dune Abridged
by An Aroused Koala
Summary: Dune Abridged... Fifty Shades of Sand... A Fragment- In A Dream...
1. Chapter 1

Dune Abridged

Fifty Shades of Sand

A Fragment- In A Dream

 **AN- I own nothing. Contains OCs.**

 **CHAPTER ONE**

Once upon a time in a galaxy far, far away there was a dog called Paul the Dog. Paul the Dog had a crisis on his paws and did not know how to prevent it. The Intergalactic Space War was still waging and in order to stay safe he decided to move to another planet. This planet was called Arrakis, but it was better known as Dune. Dune was entirely covered by a hot, sandy desert that was hot, and sandy, and the sand was hot. Paul the Dog knew it would be unpleasantly hot in the hot, sandy desert with no water and nothing but hot sand, but hot sand was still better than the Intergalactic Space War. So, after some deliberation about the hot sand, he went ahead with his plan despite his fear of the hot, sandy desert.

However, Paul the Dog didn't own a spaceship, and he knew that owning one wouldn't do him any good. The hot sand of the hot sandy desert would doubtless clog the engine with hot sand and ruin it anyway. So, instead, like any self-respecting dog fleeing to a distant planet full of hot sand, he decided to hitch a ride with his friend, Emily the Satanic Space-Dragon.

Emily the Space Dragon was happy to give Paul a lift. She was a big dragon, with a slender body layered in brilliant feathers that were all the shades of purple, right through to orange. She also carried a lengthy tail, which came to a point at the end and shimmered with blue, green and melon hues. They were flying really fast to dodge the destructive lasers of the Fully Operational Death Star.

'What a lovely day it is today,' remarked Paul the Dog placidly.

'Oh yes,' replied Emily the Space Dragon.

'I am having so much fun I might have to integrate some trigonometric functions,' yelped Paul the Dog.

'Oh no' disagreed Emily the Space Dragon, 'differentiating them would be much funner.'

Paul the Dog was getting bored but not from the trigonometric functions so he asked Emily the Space Dragon if she could fly at relativistic speed mode so that he would not notice how bored he was. But, alas, it was not possible as Emily the Space Dragon was not part of the Secret Society of Special Relativity (#sibilance) because she is not as cool as Nicola the Plump Gnome. (Piss off, Nicola!)

'Oh look,' said Paul 'There is a hot sandy desert planet where it is hot and sandy. We should land there and frolic in the hot sand because it is so hot and sandy and there is also no water.'

Emily the Space Dragon thought it sounded like a fantastic place. 'Watch out for the Sandpeople,' she warned, 'they killed Anakin's mother.'

On Dune it was hot, and it was sandy, and the sand was hot. There was no water to be found anywhere in the hot sandy desert. He discovered a lot of hot sand on Dune, but nothing else. Paul the Dog felt sad, because there were no signs of life in the hot, sandy desert. Suddenly, a tiger appeared out of the foggy mist that was made of water and hot sand in the hot sandy desert. The tiger was stripy. As it moved the stripes on its stripy hide rippled. Its stripy paws paced over the hot sand of the desert as it stalked towards Paul the Dog, who was composing an acrostic poem.

 _Terrific stripes_

 _Incredible stripes_

 _Golden stripes_

 _Enormous stripes_

 _Real stripes_

The tiger didn't like the poem. The rage that kindled in its heart was as hot as the desert sand (which was really hot). The tiger lunged at Paul the Dog. It was enormous, even though it was only half the size of Paul the Dog who was very small (Paul the Dog was microscopic). It ripped his leg off and ran away with it. This made Paul the Dog sad. He was alone in the hot sandy desert surrounded by nothing but hot sand with one missing leg (this quote shows that the leg is symbolic of the part of himself that Paul the Dog left behind on his home planet).

Paul watched the native creatures, the purple flying elephants and their opposites the irrelephants, carrying the broccoli gun device that can leave a person a vegetable mentally and physically. The hot sand disrupted the magnetic field of the broccoli gun. Paul the Dog was thankful. The purple elephants however, were still elephants and his discovery was quite brilliant. The melon sun rose above the hot sandy sand dunes. But the purple elephants were distracted by a Ledean body in the distance and they flew away. The Ledean body was partaking in Lesbian Swan Sex (#sibilance) which was as hot and the hot sandy desert (which was really hot).

Paul the Dog decided that because he had lost his leg he needed a wheelchair so that he could fly around the hot sandy desert and its hot sand. So he encountered Nicola the Plump Gnome who was an incredibly intelligent inventor of artificial intelligence (wow, Nicola, so modest). She took inspiration from the hot sandy desert to create a sentient Wheelchair with AI. The wheel chair was very big. It was too small to hold Paul the Dog's weight (who was microscopic). The Wheelchair was also very friendly and was an Intergalactic Space War enthusiast.

Paul the Dog suddenly verbalized 'I can feel an acrostic poem coming on.'

 _Wheels (with chair)_

 _Hot_

 _Extra-terrestrial_

 _Extra-terrestrial_

 _Lonely_

 _Chair (with wheels)_

 _Hot_

 _Accident_

 _Intelligent (artificially)_

 _Racist_

Paul the Dog and the Wheelchair became bestest friends for life 5eva[1]. But the Wheelchair had to go off to the Intergalactic Space War. Suddenly, Paul the Dog was happy because he was sad. Nicola the Plump Gnome was very sad because the Wheelchair was her most much-loved creation so she flew away on her magic carpet that looked like a hairy tile.

Nicola the Plump Gnome flew over to Emily the Space Dragon and alleged 'Physics is much better than Chemistry.'

'I object,' ejaculated Emily the Space Dragon admiring the hot sand of the hot sandy desert that was hot. 'Physics drools, Chemistry rules.' _Suck it, Nicola._

Suddenly, Daisy the Disembodied Flying Skull popped out of the hot sandy sand of the hot desert's sandy sand dunes. She was wearing Brighid the Magic Sunglasses™, who looked on as Daisy the Flying Skull exclaimed, 'Stop fighting! I have a joke to tell you.'

'What?' Nicola the Plump Gnome and Emily the Space Dragon paused to look at her.

'I want to go to the formal but I have no BODY to go with!' Daisy the Flying Skull articulated.

Brighid the Magic Sunglasses™, laughed because she is an idiot / had no body to go to the formal with either. Brighid the Magic Sunglasses™ released a plethora of tears which began to rust her screws (Yay! Oxidation-reduction reactions!) so Daisy the Flying Skull punched her and her arms fell off. Now, Brighid the Magic Sunglasses™ was super pissed off. She spouted a myriad of swear-words at Daisy the Flying Skull and they began fighting each other, making Nicola the Plump Gnome very annoyed.

And, now, after this long and totally irrelevant tangent, let's get back to Paul the Dog.

* * *

[1] Like Alexander, covered in liquorice allsorts and touching Hephastion's breasticles.


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER TWO

Meanwhile, Paul the Dog was busy bleeding because he was missing a leg. It was quite tiring. He was running after the Wheelchair who was crossing the road to try to get to the Intergalactic Space War because the hot sandy desert has freeways in it. Suddenly, he ran out onto the highway in the middle of the hot sandy desert. Suddenly, the Wheelchair had an ACCIDENT with a car made out of Benzene molecules because it was a Mercedes-Benzene and full of drunk teenagers who were drink-driving because they were drunk. The Wheelchair was severely injured and was bleeding like a blood fountain into the hot sand of the hot sandy desert.

Paul the Dog felt very agitated because the Wheelchair was his best friend and he could see his friend's life blood pulsing out onto the hot, sandy sand of the hot, sandy sand dunes. His distress was an all-consuming tornado of pure anguish that swirled around inside him like the hot sand of the desert during a hot sandy desert sandstorm. His feelings were so wild, he could not control himself, so naturally he sat perfectly still and watched calmly as the ambulance arrived and the Wheelchair was put on life support. Sitting on the scorching sands (#sibilance) he watched the rise and fall caused by the Wheelchair's breath, each inhale and exhale causing his body to move like the hot sand of the constantly shifting hot sand dunes that Paul the Dog was sitting on.

Paul the Dog began composing another acrostic poem-

(Murderous

Evil

Reality-TV watching

Chemistry is better than Physics (No, it's not. Emily shut up.)

Car (made of benzene molecules)…)

Suddenly, a mouse ran out across the hot sand of the hot sandy sand dunes. Paul the Dog was shocked and horrified as the cute little creature ran up and began to gnaw on the life-support cord. Paul the Dog knew that if the life-support cord was severed his friend the Wheelchair would die. He wanted to save the Wheelchair, he really did. He didn't want the Wheelchair to slip away from him and disappear like a grain of hot sand lost in the hot sandy desert, but he couldn't help his friend. He hadn't finished his acrostic poem, and he knew that (as he watched the mouse slowly gnaw through the life-support cord) that there was no way he could possibly complete it fast enough to have enough time left over save the Wheelchair.

A powerful feeling of powerlessness washed over him, like a wave of hot sand from a hot sandy sand dune that was hot. He could do nothing but watch as the mouse bit clean through the life-support cord and the Wheelchair gave one last heaving breath. He had failed his friend. If only he was a little faster at acrostic poems he would have had time to save him. Paul the Dog was overwhelmed by an ocean of sandness (like "sadness" but sand- geddit?) as wide and vast as the vast hot sandy desert and as empty as the desert plains that were full of hot sand.

He flung himself upon the hot sand and just wished he could sink into the barren, hostile landscape of the hot sandy desert. He had failed his friend. It was all his fault. (Actually it's ALL DYLAN'S FAULT)

He began to compose an acrostic poem to express his feelings.

 _And then the_

 _Mouse running_

 _On_

 _Unending_

 _Sand_

 _Eats the life support cord like_

 _Benzene molecule it_

 _Impacts_

 _The Wheelchair_

 _Then_

 _He_

Suddenly, Paul the Dog was interrupted. He was very angry. This was his best poem yet. It expressed his feelings about the Wheelchair and his fate so beautifully, the imagery was as magnificent and harsh as the hot sands of the hot sandy desert. Who could possibly be interrupting him during such an important moment?

It was Dylan the Math Guru. Dylan the Math Guru was a strange, sad little child (#sibilance). He loved maths more than anything else in the galaxy. His love for maths was as intense as the burning desert sun (that was hot) and as vast as the vast hot sandy desert (that was hot). Thus the Intergalatic Space War was obviously his fault, and as a result he was doomed to spend the rest of his life vacuuming up the hot sand of the hot sandy desert (that was hot) with his motor-powered vacuum cleaner that was full of shower caps.

Paul the Dog stared in awe at the long haired guru (he had to keep his hair long or he would lose his Guru Certification from the Intergalatic Association of Gurus). Dylan the Math Guru was full of mathematical wisdom and Paul the Dog could sense his vast Guru-powers emanating off him.

Paul the Dog decided to forgive him for the interruption by vowing to exact revenge on Dylan the Math Guru and the next seventy generations of his family. Dylan was pleasantly surprised by this vow, and in return offered to fix Paul the Dog's missing leg which was still bleeding quite badly and had become slightly inconvenient. Dylan used his Math Guru Magic to fashion Paul the Dog a new leg from the volume of a 3D revolution around the X-axis.

Getting the leg attached was a very delicate process that took Dylan the Math Guru some time. The leg was quite big as it had taken several pages of working out to complete but it was still a little too small for Paul the Dog's substantial bulk (he was microscopic after all). However, after severing and rearranging Paul the Dog's other limbs and internal organs to suit the new addition, they were eventually successful.

Paul the Dog was very pleased with his new leg. As it was purely theoretical and made of abstract equations, Paul the Dog couldn't actually put any weight on it or use it to walk. It was essentially useless, which was just how Paul the Dog liked his legs to be.

'Thank you.' Paul the Dog ejaculated at Dylan the Math Guru.

'No problem.' Dylan the Math Guru replied.

'Why are you here?' Paul the Dog questioned, 'Why are you here in this vast hot sandy desert full of vast hot sandy sand dunes that are made of hot sandy sand that are hot and sandy?'

Dylan the Math Guru was very happy to be asked that question as no one had ever shown such an interest in his sad, strange mathematical existence so he immediately burst into tears, smiling as he explained how much he loved maths and thus how the Intergalactic Space War was actually ALL HIS FAULT.

Paul the Dog laughed because he felt a sudden wild surge of anger rush through him like a sandstorm of hot sandy sand in a hot sandy desert of sandy hot sand dunes (that are hot). Now it made sense, the Wheelchair had died on his way to the Intergalactic Space War and it was ALL DYLAN'S FAULT.

Paul the Dog was so angry about this that he tried to jump to his feet, but realised that they were all re-arranged so he couldn't stand up properly. When her finally managed to roll over enough to stand on his head, he slipped on a banana peel and tumbled into the hot sandy sand of the hot sandy sand dune (that was hot).

Lying on his back in the hot sandy sand of the hot sandy desert surrounded by heat and sand, a feeling of horror crashed over Paul and he realised what was wrong.

'I'm pregnant.' He screeched. 'I'm teenaged and pregnant.'

(Naturally, it was ALL DYLAN'S FAULT)

Suddenly Paul the Dog heard a whooshing noise that sounded like this: whoosh (#onomatopoeia).

'Oh my golly goodness golly gosh! (#alliteration)' hyperventilated Paul the Dog.

'Oh my #Golden Thighed Pythagoras,' screeched Dylan the Math Guru who was standing there like an idiot.

The whooshing noise sounded like this: whoosh, as it reverberated off the hot sand of the hot sandy desert that was hot. And also there was no water. It was the sound of the ghost of the Wheelchair who had come back to haunt the hot sandy desert that was hot and had no water. Paul the Dog felt very shy around the ghost of his friend because the Wheelchair was still angry that Paul the Dog chose to write acrostic poems rather than save the Wheelchair's life.

Dylan the Math Guru suddenly proceeded to perform a mathematical exorcism using the equations of exponential growth and decay. The ghost of the Wheelchair suddenly decayed into beta radiation.

'Oh oirjaegoihpeaivaoiehg,' bellowed Paul the Dog in a whisper, upon seeing Nicola the Plump Gnome appear on her furry tile.

She was angry at Paul the Dog for letting her intelligent artificially intelligent creation die. Paul the Dog had done a terrible thing. But, alas, he did not regret it, even though his heart was plagued with guilt. Nicola the Plump Gnome quickly recognised that it was ALL DYLAN'S FAULT and as punishment he had to read The Handmaid's Tale. Dylan the Math Guru screamed and cried just about the hideous punishment, there wouldn't even be any Lesbian Swan Sex in it.

Suddenly then Emily the Space Dragon returned from The Mystical Land of Samuel Taylor Coleridge's Bong. 'In Xanadu did Kubla Khan a stately pleasure-dome I LOVE PAUL THE DOG decree,' quoted Emily the Space Dragon from the masterpiece poem. She had brought her friend Sally the Special Little Snowflake (who was also a pathogen) (#sibilance) (#pathogen) along.

Sally the Special Little Snowflake (who was also a pathogen) (#sibilance) (#pathogen) was as special and unique as grain of sand in the hot sand desert (that was hot, and had sand, and had no water and full of identical grains of sand). Sally the Special Little Snowflake (who was also a pathogen) (#sibilance) (#pathogen) loved making snowmen in the hot sandy desert that was hot.

They were actually snow Ewoks that knew physics due to the pathogen singing the electromagnetic spectrum song. "The electromagnetic spectrum, is just a name of a range of radiation let me tell you what they are. Radiowaves, Microwaves, infrared radiation, visible light, ultraviolet, x-rays gamma rays!" ((Physics is better than Chemistry!) _You wish, Sally.)_

Suddenly, Emily II the Brimmingly Floral Simmering Dazzling Teacup appeared and started pouring hot tea out into the hot sand of the hot sandy desert that had hot sandy sand dunes that were hot and sandy. Sally the Special Little Snowflake (who was also a pathogen) (#sibilance) (#pathogen) started screaming because of the hot tea that could melt her icy, snowy, icy cold pathogenic exterior. She called upon the purple elephants and the purple irrelephants that were purple and irrelephant to defend her from Emily II the Brimmingly Floral Simmering Dazzling Teacup. Sally the Special Little Snowflake (who was also a pathogen) (#sibilance) (#pathogen) started melting but there was no water, only tea and hot sandy sand that was dry because there was no water.

AND IT WAS ALL DYLAN'S FAULT.

Paul the Dog suddenly discovered that he lost the ability to generate acrostic poems. This ability was one that had been innate in his psyche since he was born. When he popped out of his mother's womb he started writing an acrostic poem about her womb. Suddenly, he was unable to generate acrostic poems. Now that this ability was gone, he was losing part of his identity. Paul the Dog was heartrending. He was so angry at Dylan the Math Guru because it was ALL DYLAN'S FAULT. He decided to infect Dylan the Math Guru with pneumenoultramicroscopicsiliovolcanokoniosis. Dylan the Math Guru was sad because he was happy that someone was paying attention to him and his sad mathematical life.

Dylan the Math Guru was happily doing his binomial theorems when suddenly up popped Paul the Dog out of the hot sandy sand that was sandy and hot and there was also no water. Paul the Dog was holding a hammer and chisel ready to chisel Dylan the Math Guru's brains out with a file. He was very angry that Dylan the Math Guru had broken Nicola the Plump Gnome's solar panel cords for her physics experiment. As Paul the Dog held the chisel and hammer above his head, his grip slipped and they both fell into his eye. The one eye. Then Paul the Dog died. It was sad. [1]

Then I woke up. And it was all a dream.

And then they all died.

And then they all lived happily ever after.

* * *

[1] Catch up with your favourite character Paul the Dog in the sequel: Paul the Dog Goes to Prison.


End file.
